Tips for looking after the cats…

Tips for looking after the cats:

1)      Orlando needs to have biscuits in his blue bowl.

2)      Be careful of Jake when you put biscuits in Orlando’s blue bowl because he likes to sneak in and get them first.

3)      If Jake gets the biscuits first Orlando will look at you like you did it deliberately.

4)      Should you decide to put meat in Orlando’s blue bowl instead of biscuits you will be finding mouse parts all over the house.

5)      If you don’t give Piglet her favourite food she’ll sulk.

6)      If you do give Piglet her favourite food she’ll sulk.

7)      If you do stroke Piglet she’ll sulk.

8)      If you don’t stroke Piglet she’ll sulk.

9)      If you pick Piglet up she’ll sulk. A lot. Like don’t get me started.

10)   Mystic will look all mysterious until there is food available.

11)   Jake needs to be stroked and told he is ‘Top Cat’.

12)   Don’t let Orlando hear you tell Jake he is top cat because he’ll sulk.

13)   K will jump.

14)   K will jump at anything.

15)   K will fall off things.

16)   Like the floor. If she does actually get on the floor. (See below)

17)   K will manage to circumnavigate the living room without touching the floor (Please see #15)

18)   If any cat gets too close to Mystic she will hit them.

19)   If any cat even thinks about Mystic she will hit them.

20)   She may even hit you.

21)   Mystic has just discovered that she can play ‘chase’ with K.

22)   This involves the two cats running around the house until one of them takes it seriously and Mystic ends up sulking on the top of the bookcase.

23)   Jake will ask to go out the front door.  If you open the front door he may rush out. Having rushed out he may rush back in again.

24)   K will ask to go out the front door. If you open the front door she will run upstairs.  If you close the front door she will ask to go out again.

25)   To get K out of the front door, chase her up the stairs, clasp her firmly and reassure her trying not to swear as she flails in your hands and tries to scratch you.  Step into the front porch and shut the living room door behind you. Place K on the floor.  Open the door and watch her run out. Or not. Either way encourage her by saying she’s a good girl.

26)   Orlando will ask to come in the front door.

27)   He will not come in the front door.

28)   He will in fact sit or stand there as Jake and or Piglet run in and out a few times.

29)   He will also meow as you try to close the door.

30)   To encourage him into the house, bend down, croon softly to him and clap your hands. Call him a good boy.

31)   He knows when you are swearing. Refrain from swearing as isn’t a sulking Piglet enough to deal with.

32)   Having got K and Jake and possibly Piglet out, you now have Orlando in and Mystic somewhere in the house.  She usually sits on top of the bookcase either looking mystical or getting ready to pounce on your head.  If you’ve provided biscuits in the blue bowl then Orlando isn’t bothering you.

33)   If you haven’t placed biscuits in the blue bowl be prepared for Orlando to bother you.

34)   Orlando likes to sleep on the cooker.

35)   Occasionally he does this when it’s on.

36)   Screaming doesn’t work.

37)   Nor does shouting, waving stuff at him or otherwise trying to get his attention away from potential burning.

38)   Orlando also likes to sleep on the sink. And the draining board.

39)   Piglet likes to be centre of attention.

40)   Give Piglet attention or be faced with being stalked by the cat.

41)   And having her sulking.

42)   Did I mention that Piglet sulks?

43)   Be careful, Jake also sulks.

44)   As does Orlando.

45)   Don’t forget to feed them. Not that you can possibly forget with the constant reminders.

46)   If you don’t see Piglet eating then check that she hasn’t ordered takeaway chicken.

47)   If you do see Piglet eating, check it’s not your takeaway chicken.

48)   Don’t bother calling me because of the cats.

49)   No seriously, you agreed to look after them.

50)   Just because you agreed before you read this list doesn’t mean anything. Verbal agreements are binding.


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