Over the past few months I’ve been going through a lot of changes and coping with a lot of things all at once, most of them bad. I’ve discovered strength, hope and compassion. I’ve had support from surprising people and been let down by those I thought would be there.
Surprisingly I don’t hold grudges, I used too. There were things done to me, and others that I care for, that I could never bring myself to forgive and I let this scar me. It held me back. It was safer to hate than it was to forgive.
Just because I’ve let a lot of negative stuff go doesn’t mean that I am now a better person. I’m far too wrapped up in my own stuff, I appreciate that everyone goes through stuff but my stuff is more important somehow. Is this selfish? Maybe. Possibly.
But I’ve learnt that I have to care about me. I have to defend me. I have to have my best interests at heart. I’m alone and I have to do everything.
When caring about me it means taking time out to think about what is good for me rather than what I want. It’s about making sure I make good choices, not just because they are good choices but because my choices impact on the people around me.
Saying I’m sorry. This is such a hard thing. Sometimes we don’t realise that we are the ones who have to apologise even when we’re the ones hurting. It’s about accepting situations. You know the mantra, grant us the serenity to accept things, courage to change and wisdom to accept.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I can,And the wisdom to know the difference.
That is what we all need to do. But also we need to apologise to ourselves. We do stuff that gets us hurt, adds damage and then as the roller-coaster of emotions hit us from our actions, or in some instances our inactions, we rarely take the time out to apologise to the one we’ve hurt the most; ourselves.
So this is a new mantra, a new start and a new reach for peace.
It doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly a new person. It doesn’t mean that I’ve suddenly changed. It just means that I’m going to focus on moving forward and not looking back.